Between the wings of the sky


 

*Ever so importantly to me is to always acknowledge something when it happens.. And the words you are about to read below are actually inspired by The Egyptian Best Seller Author “Amina El Karamany”*

Last Saturday (Feb 22) I had the pleasure to meet someone I’ve got to know online and finally in person Amina El Karamany a decent and charming character, who graciously gave me a signed copy of her book.

Today I am flying to Algeria on a business trip, in fact I am writing this while I am actually on the plane. And today I had decided to take this opportunity to read a bit in her book during my flight..And yay I did manage to snap 25 pages in full concentration and enjoyment reading her book “The Yellow Raincoat” and it got me thinking and since I like all that makes one think but also got me thinking about myself.. I do and do not talk much about myself from my sheer belief that no one will get me and also I sometimes partly fall for my saboteur as Amina defined it in her book ‘ the voice(s) in my head that hold be back’ so my saboteur actually believes and is always telling me ‘How much of an idiot I am , and how no one will understand me because I am freakish or because am utterly boring  and that I am living in the wrong time and sometimes it goes to the extent that I should just go shoot myself or rollover and die’

But I realize that this voice puts me down but I don’t let it actually and if it succeeds for a while it really doesn’t stand a chance much because I use some of the techniques that perhaps I read about without realizing that they are techniques of handling your inner saboteurs.

I am always on a quest to study myself, try to refine what I can , dream and aim for more , because I do believe I have potential for so much yet my enthusiasm and craziness is matched equally by one of my other saboteurs which is a kind one actually and mean much good to me, as it doesn’t want to see me hurt or fail or always keeps asking the question of ‘What if?’ , ‘What if this goes south? What if it doesn’t’ work out? What if? What if? What if?’…

But long ago I decided I am not going to succumb to what they say … At least not each and every time.. Am too fond of the song ‘My way’ by Frank Sinatra.. And because of its words really touch me and hit me no matter when I hear it , day or night  in which ever mood it just feels to be really me… IF I ever do anything in my life.. IT just to speak ‘Tarek’ . I’ve succeeded in this in so many aspects to be completely honest.. People easily are able to mark me or identify me in so many different things.. “Ah the World War 2 freak” , “The Guy who talks too much” , “Ah the history guy “ , “The Energizre dude” , and a few others that do not come to mind at the moment but if you have any just feel free to share..

I always reflect on all of these as much as I reflect on anything and everything in my life. I’ve always had parents who never took no for an answer into anything and did exactly what they believed AND not just that they managed to balance everything that when time came no one could say they were wrong , they would be criticized before but in the end no one would be able to blame them.. My parents invested in my brother in myself, when at the time people thought they are crazy , as my father worked in Saudi Arabia and everyone thought oh that man must be a multimillionaire by now or he should and when they saw the lifestyle we lived they thought he and my mother were nuts because they did prepare for the future and this future was us…They prepared us.. So despite the silly comments about how stupid can someone be by not taking on the opportunity of being a millionaire by working in Saudi and rather spend his money on his kids? The answer to that came later on when people would look at how we developed and what we turned out to be and say..”Ah look at these fine young men, well educated , people of knowledge , thinkers , decent young men” , to them (my parents) this was enough…

So back to me on that point again… I always knew I had these voices and that I always did what I wanted anyway despite numerous times when I felt you know “Ah now that I messed up this time, I am never going to hear the end of it from those guys” which I actually don’t but the main thing I learned is that I never gave them the lead and of course ‘They hate me for it’ and as I write now one of them is calling me “A chicken” and the other  says “ I just don’t get it and I never will” maybe… But in the end if I have to do things.. It has to be my way…

I remember I used to love painting and one day I was learning oil painting which I gave up on due to an incident back in high school time but that’s not why I am mentioning this.. But even as I learned the teacher wanted me to follow her instructions. I did as long as it meant learning the basics.. But when it came to choosing a design and colors.. It was hands off.. No one came near what I wanted.. While everyone who was in class was copying an picture from a book to their canvas, I came up and drew a quick sketch of what was to be my painting.. “MY PAINTING”… “If it’s not me” I am not going to do it and that’s how it was despite the teacher wasting 2 classes trying to persuade me to drop the idea and she event went as far as taking my design to her own mentor and asking him if a new learner should take on this type of project and his answer was “No the design is too complicated for a basic learner” and when she came back to me with her feedback my answer was straight forward and simple “I don’t care what ever comes out to be .. IT HAS TO BE ME! This is what the whole essence of art to me is …” And I did work on my design ( An empty room with a rocking chair a small bookshelf with a gramophone , some discs , photos and certificates hanging on the wall and a small fireplace , square shaped rug with a pair of round glasses placed calmly on the ground next to  an empty cup of tea and small table with a lamp on top of it in the far corner of the room).. The painting never saw the light  but that drafted sketch remained with me for very long time until it was lost one day.. But I never forgot it and I never regretted  it.

I never have regretted anything I’ve done… Times Despite the many times I try to push or doubt myself.

I write these words while I am at 33,000 feet hanging over the Mediterranean, I am literally under , over and within the great blues (The Sky & The Sea) .. My favorite is the sky it’s the endless freedom of looking ahead it always gives me hope even in its darkest most grayish clouds, why? Simply because I know the rain will come out and wash it all away, the sun will rise and dance once again.. (and Yes I rhyme sometimes when I am writing) .

Ever chased by my own demons or saboteurs and ever chasing my own dreams and the dreams for the ones I love, care for , or see potential in them.. Yes I seek to help others find themselves and find who they truly can be, believe in themselves and overcome the obstacles that hold them back.

I admit I have never succeeded in loving myself as much as I should and that’s due to a lot of reasons but also I still believe in myself .. I believe in tomorrow ,in hope and in clouds and the great blue sky… So here I am hanging within my skies…

 

 

 

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